During the Foundation Training Classes, there are discussions about how to talk to your Foster Children about what their parents are doing, and how these children “fit” into your family. There are discussions about not introducing your child as “my Foster Child” at social events, and to give the children options on how they refer to you. According to the classes, some children may feel comfortable referring to you as “Mom” or “Dad” eventually, but that this should not be expected initially, and it may never happen. It all made sense to us during the classes. We would introduce ourselves as Aaron and Jewell, and let the kiddos know that we love them and are going to take care of them while their Mom or Dad do some grown-up things and get some help so they can be with them shortly.
This all sounds well and good in the classroom and on paper, but our first long term placements have been infants and toddlers.
If you have ever tried to eloquently explain the nuances of a particular situation to an infant or toddler, you understand the issues that we were facing on placement day. As much as we tried to let them know that they were going to be staying with us for an indefinite period of time while their Mom and Dad work on some things, and that in the mean time we will love and nurture them like they are our own, but that eventually they will probably go back to their parents, we were not making much progress. In fact, we were typically met with blank stares, cute funny faces, crying, or them leaving the room without acknowledging any of the information we were presenting. If you have ever tried to have a conversation with a toddler, you probably quickly realized that they have a very limited vocabulary, and of course, the first words they learn are “mama” and “dada”. To an infant or toddler, these words have the following definition:
mama: A feminine looking person who is near me and can help me get something I need or want. Bonus points if they look familiar or feel safe.
dada: A less feminine looking person who is near me and can help me get something I need or want. Bonus points if they look familiar or feel safe.
If you have ever tried to eloquently explain the nuances of a particular situation to an infant or toddler, you understand the issues that we were facing on placement day.
Don’t be confused here, we are not under any delusions. When our kiddos began referring to us as “mama” and “dada” after just a couple of days of us changing their poopy diapers and providing them with milk and food, it was not because they felt that we were their biological parents, or that we were going to be their forever parents. No, it was because they felt relatively safe and comfortable around us, and we provided for their needs. They continue to refer to us as “mama” and “dada” because we have not been able to have an in-depth conversation with them explaining the current situation to them. Also, they call their bio-parents “mama” and “dada”, as well as our parents, and our friends, and anyone who will listen, so… as happy as it makes us feel, we try not to take it personal.
On the other hand, imagine if you were not allowed to care for your child, but instead, your child was placed with a complete stranger. Imagine you don’t know where your child is on a daily basis, and you are only allowed to see them a few hours a week. Now, imagine that after a week or two, your child calls this complete stranger “mama” or “dada” and is ecstatic when the stranger walks in the room to take them away from you. Suddenly, the innocence of being called “mama” or “dada” disappears and the situation can be quite awkward. Although we think about it a lot, it is really hard to put yourself in the position of a bio-parent. Much like the foster parents, we imagine that their life is a roller-coaster of emotions. That even positives, like your child being with a family who loves and cares for your child deeply, can bring negative emotions as well, like wondering if these people want to adopt your child. There may be feelings of hurt because your child refers to them as mom and dad, or even questioning if your child may be better off in the care of these complete strangers.
Imagine you don’t know where your child is on a daily basis, and you are only allowed to see them a few hours a week.
The first time it occurred, we were picking our kiddo up from a long, supervised visit with the bio-parents. The visit is like a play group and support group for bio-families and their kids. Multiple bio-families show up for visits with their kids, and the organization that runs and supervises the visits provide parenting tips to the families, and encourages the group to talk through their struggles and emotions. On this particular night, as we walked into the play area to pick up Ava, her face lit up. She grinned from ear-to-ear, showing us all 6 of her recently cut baby teeth. She was adorable! As we smiled back and and opened up our arms, she pointed to us confidently and happily stated “mama”. She then left the area where her parents were, and waddled to us as quickly as she could, to embrace us with a hug.
It was one of those moments in parenting that melts your heart. It could have made the crappiest day quickly turn into the best day. It is hard to put into words how adorable and precious this moment was. She had just learned to walk, so she was not very stable on her feet. We knew that in her excitement, she would inevitably trip and fall as she rushed over to us, so arms spread, we rushed over to meet her, and hopefully catch her before she fell flat on her face. With arms open wide, we met her just as she began to fall forward, caught her in a hug, and lifted her up into the air. It felt as if we were in one of those cheesy sequences in a movie where the background loses focus while two people run toward each other and embrace as the camera rotates around them, and the couple is unaware of their surroundings… but we quickly became aware of our surroundings.
All of a sudden, we became hyperaware of those watching us. Mainly the bio-parents. Had they heard her call us “mama”?
All of a sudden, we became hyperaware of those watching us. Mainly the bio-parents. Had they heard her call us “mama”? Were they mad that their child was so happy to see us? Were they hurt that their daughter decided to run away from them and towards us the moment we walked in the door? Did they think that we were coaching their daughter to call us “mom and dad”? Would this put a strain on our relationship with them?
Maybe we were over analyzing the situation. Maybe, because we knew it was inevitable that this would happen, we had worked ourselves up, and it really isn’t a big deal. Maybe, they didn’t hear her say “mama”. Maybe, they talked all the way home about how frustrated they were with us “teaching” their daughter to call us “mom and dad”. Maybe they talked about how much it hurt and how their child has spent the majority of her life being raised by other people, including strangers, and how she refers to those people as “mom and dad”.
Whatever the case, they didn’t say anything to us about it. Not that night, not ever. Although later, Ava’s bio-mom did come up with a new name, or way to refer to us when talking to her daughter. We were now referred to as her “best friends”. As in, “are you ready to go home and be with your best friends?”. Honestly, we thought this was very fitting, and we were honored that she felt that we were her daughter’s “best friends”.
Photo: Ava and Jewell at her First Birthday Party, approximately 2-weeks after she entered our lives.
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I have never really thought about what the bioparents might be thinkning when they see their kids being happy and loving toward the foster parents